I met someone else...but

Maybe we've all been messed with in the head. We all have this romanticized idea of love and finding that one person you'll spend the rest of your life with. When we were little, we were typically brought up thinking, we'll get married, have babies and live happily ever after. Most of us wish we had been taught reality, and that no one is as perfect as they are portrayed in fairy tales. Honestly, wouldn't you have rather been taught this bullshit then living your life as a cynic?

The problem is I'm still in love with him and he's still with that girl.
I still feel just as bad as when it happened both times.
I can't seem to fucking get over it.

I met someone else but it doesn't feel like I think things should feel. Like I know things should feel? I can't get over the fact that you know exactly who screwed me over. No pun intended. I really like this guy. Maybe if I try to get to know him better I'll feel differently. I want us to go smoothly because I really like him but, but,but,buttbutbut...maybe I'm just being human. I thought I'd be releasing more endorphins by now.

I already miss you.

All I wanna do

is eat and sleep and drink and cry in my bed, listening to elliott smith. I need to cry for help sometime, I just don't know when that time should be.

I like hanging out with my friends cause that's the only time I feel happy.

I've applied pretty much everywhere for a job but I guess they don't like me already cause I haven't been called back or anything. I tried I really did.

I need to do something with my music already.

I still miss someone. Because of that, I feel like shit.

Johnny Cash and June Carter make me cry. They are beautiful.

I don't want to experience anymore deaths. The future will not be good to me.

I keep having these constant headaches, I've become accustomed to. I should probably go to the doctor or something. It fucking hurts.

Thank You:

Back then...
For being my soulmate.
For driving to random places with me.
For loving me no matter what I did.
For caring about me even when I hurt you.
For being there for me when I needed you.
For believing I could do anything I wanted to.
For doing those little things that made a difference.
Our song, by our favorite band.

Now...
For telling me "we're special" and "we're different", but break my heart over and over again.
For taking me on a roadtrip with you and sleeping in bed with a girl, you barely knew in front of me, and making me share a bed with your guy friend, I met once.
For having your first kiss with this girl in front of me, on the Golden Gate Bridge.
For not realizing how much pain I have been in.
For cheating on your girlfriend, with me two different times and not coming back to me, no matter how much I begged.
For telling your girlfriend, we're best friends and that's all.
For talking to your girlfriend in front of me, like you used to talk to me.
For telling me, you don't love me the way you used to.
For kissing me, but not letting me kiss you back.
For laughing a little when I cry.
For not taking me seriously.
For not being the best friend I thought you were.
For making me sink into a depression I'm trying to get out of.
For making me cry every night.
For all the drugs and alcohol I've been consuming to keep you off my mind (it actually does help a little)

BEST DREAM I HAVE EVER HAD (to date)

Ok so I just woke up.
This is going to sound very middle schoolish cause I'm fucking tired.

This morning, I finally got some sleep after a restless night, on my friend's couch.
Fuck the build up, I'm just gonna say it: I made out with Paul Rudd.



My old friend Mandy, Jon, Sean William Scott, and Jason Segel, were there as well. It took place at this huge school I'd never seen and Mandy came up to me at lunch and was like "Hey Cristina, wanna eat with me?" Duh let's go hang out and eat.
And then there He was walking up with some peeps. OH my god. He is love. I saw Him, jumped on Him and said "I wanna fuck you so hard." Granted, I would never say, "I want to fuck you so hard," when I jump on the actual Paul Rudd. I would say, "I want to make love to you so hard," out of common courtesy, and give him a hug if he let me.
I begged him for a kiss which turned into a makeout sesh (woops). Then he brought up his wife, in conversation...dun dun dun! Well it's a dream so I don't really have any morals in there and just begged for one more kiss. Paul Rudd was hesitant but said if I said I was "sorry" he'd give me another one...(why I'm sorry I have no idea) So I did what he said (of course) and then had this mmmmmmmmkiss which was mmm mm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

The End of best dream ever.
And I woke up almost making out with air which could have turned out bad if someone saw me. I'm totally gonna have a good day.

Sorry,

I'm not 5'2", cute, and a good artist.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.
Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.
Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.
Bullshit.Bullshit.
Oh yeah and...

BULLSHIT.

"Hellooo: to self."

To sum it up:




it as a great night.

I don't need no roadmap...God gave me the stars.

I don't want to be in school. I just want to manage a record or cereal shop and sell shit and sulk about barely making it anywhere instead of becoming a doctor or lawyer...that or travel and play music around the country like Paleo does.

Sometimes you go looking for what you want...and find what you need.

I've been watching lots of movies lately. I love the feeling I get after watching them, if they make an impression on me. I've been meaning to watch Winter Passing for a while and I finally saw it last night around this time.
The ending was kinda meh-y if you like resolved endings, but I liked it. I prefer unresolved movie endings. It leaves it up to the audience, to interpret/determine the characters' lives afterwards.
I have a huge celebrity crush on Zooey Deschanel...


or maybe I just want to be like her haha.

I'm excited about a party coming up, that I'm going to, with a friend.
It's themed! Dress up from any era/decade except this one so it's pretty much open for everything ha. I don't know what I'm going as...any suggestions?

(Totally forgot to check the carnations today! Woopsies.)

Well it's elementary, my dear Dawson...

I love 80s cartoon adventures. Specifically the ones with animals as the leaders of some great escape or quest.
At the moment I'm drinking a cup of coffee, watching The Great Mouse Detective, which is one of my absolute favorites. It's actually quite witty and funny, more so than I remember. As a child, you don't really pick up the puns, which may be quite subtle to begin with anyways.


Vincent Price is the voice of the bad guy, Professor Ratigan, which is amazing. Ha. :)

/ / /

Oh yeah and here's my carnation update:



The orange one is already turning yellow at the tips but the other ones have barely shown a change at all.

In the middle of the night, I call your name...

I put some Mother's Day carnations leftover from church in some cups with food coloring.
I'll update on these soon.

They're lavender, turquoise and orange.

Only the end of the red, will show you my blueside.

I dyed my hair.



A bit different than the usual bronzy colors.

We'll be together all alone again, like we used to in the early days.

I found these ceramic snails at Goodwill and just HAD to have them.
It's kinda funny, they were on opposite sides of the store.


If they were lost...I'd like to think I reunited them. Hah.

Truth be known, never solved before...

I'm up late again or early, listening to music, specifically, Band of Horses.
They're going to San Francisco in August.


I'd like to visit the city again.
Roadtrip anyone?

She sat
so we'd be there
so resting now, at work
some bridges
better not burn.

She's in love with a dead guy anyway.

Every time I see Rushmore, I love it more and more.

Mexico was good to me...

I IZ A CAT!

Haha my kitty, Plant is a LOLcat now.

I captioned this picture I took of Plant, on the site: ICANHASCHEEZBURGER.COM.
I thought it came out cutes :)

I woke up this afternoon knowing it was 3.

Sad vader.


Things I Should Get To:

1. Wake up earlier and go to sleep earlier.
2. Get a job.
3. Stop being sad all the time.
4. Make more music.
5. Make good music.
6. Meet new people.
7. Meet new people means: men and dating them.
8. Cut back on smoking and exercise instead.
9. ^Haha yeah right!

You're gonna get what you deserve...

you're dead meat.

The only word I can think of is...why?

You have overcome so many things. I love you so much. Why would God do this to such a wonderful person? You keep peeling layers off of her...how many layers will you peel??? What will be left? If you really do exist you will let her be and let her recover. Give her time. Instead of letting her die, shooting her down. Let her be. She doesn't deserve to be lonely. She doesn't deserve any of this. Let her be happy. Let her be. Let her be okay.
That's a prayer.
I haven't prayed in a while.

While listening to Elliott Smith.

1. Masturbate.

2. Chew old gum.

3. Smoke a cigarette.

4. Repeat.